Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
