i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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