I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
