remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize