please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
