it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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