my phone needs a breathalizer
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
