I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
