You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
