I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
