There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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