Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
