brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
