party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i love accidental penises.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
