just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
