Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
