It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
