Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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