She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
