Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
