I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
