Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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