why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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