McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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