Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
