she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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