I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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