You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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