My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
