It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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