hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
