he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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