My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
