the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i think i have two assholes
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
