I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
