Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize