I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
