My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
