I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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