Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
