Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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