I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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