So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's official drugs can't kill me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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