I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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