I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
