the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
