Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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