She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
