i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
