I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
