did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
