i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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