I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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