I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
