do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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