im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize