So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
