hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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