At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
