I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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