I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
