His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
