There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
