Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She's the barista slut.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
