any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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