I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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