i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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