my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
